My father-of-the-groom charge/toast to the couple, Calvin and Bazen:
I recently heard it said that “The purpose of the family is to make ambition durable.” Of course this is only as good as the ambition comes from, and is through and to, Christ. But if it’s for Jesus, then more ambition.
I never met my dad’s dad, Francis Higgins. My dad, Dennis Higgins, died before he met you, son. You are our only son, Calvin Higgins, and you are to carry and advance the family ambition. Whatever it has been, the direction is clear now. Strategizing and sacrificing in order to bring more blessings to our people is the family business.
One of the things that attracted me most to your mom was that I knew she would not be satisfied with the status quo. By God’s grace, she would help me and our marriage and our kids (and then our children’s children) and the work grow. You are part of the proof of her godly dissatisfaction.
And you’ve also chosen a wife who will run with you. She is your ally. With her, go win BIG.
For as much as you already recognize how Bazen is great, it is your responsibility to learn even more what exactly God has given you. Living with a wife in an understanding way isn’t just dealing with her in order to not make her mad, it’s knowing her gifts, what she’s good for, what good she wants to do, and how she can increase the glory of your house. You must discover, as deep calls to deep, then develop what makes her irreplaceable.
And both of you, “outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10). I’ve read that in the happiest couples, the husband rated the wife more positively than she did on every single quality. Seeing and praising the good is also a mark of a wife’s respect for her husband, which will be like jet fuel in Cal’s rocket. This is not flattery, it is maturity to see all the things that God has given you in your spouse. So give thanks, to each other and for each other in front of others, in the name of the Lord.
For a second time I have the honor of officiating as a father. I could not be happier to give my pastoral and patriarchal affirmation and authority.
This time, of course, I am not giving my daughter to another man, but I get to watch my young man take another man’s daughter as his wife. I will only get to see it like this once, and it is good.
We met some of the Hevia family, Bazen included, as part of the Mighty Marlins Swim Club around eleven years ago. A few years later Bazen and Zander joined ECS, Bazen being added to a small class of 6th graders that, at that time, consisted of only three boys. Those boys already had a group nickname: the Muckle Eejits, which is a Scottish phrase referring to “great idiots.” They weren’t a band, but it was their brand. But now there was this girl. And for the next few years that class was lovingly referred to as “Bazen and the Muckle Eejits.” Now she gets her very own eejit.
That was a long seven years ago. Calvin and Bazen graduated (from high school) just thirteen months ago. At their commencement I exhorted the whole class to tip more, boldly. That wasn’t code for: “get married more quickly.” But this works.
They have spent a lot of time together. They were in almost all the same classes for six years at ECS, plus another year at Comeford College. Not only did they participate in the same school plays, twice they were cast as love interests (The sheriff and Prudy in “Support Your Local Sheriff” and Algernon and Cecily in “The Importance of Being Earnest”). They’ve danced at dances, they’ve helped plan multiple events together. Our families have been worshipping at the same church for half a decade, and we’ve even gone on vacation together a couple times.
Something clicked for me, especially as the father of the bride, when I realized that the groom could take care of my daughter better than I could. And now, as father of the groom, it’s obvious because I realized that the groom doesn’t need me to take care of him at all, he’s ready to take care of others.
Cal and I had a discussion about his future during the last half of his senior year. And as we talked, he said something like, “you don’t think I’m marriageable material, do you?” And even at that point, with no reluctance, I said, Absolutely. This isn’t because he knew all the things. (Do any of us, having been married for decades, know all the things? Of course not.) Readiness for marriage is not just a willingness to be responsible but seeking out responsibility. “Load me up. Give me more.” He has taken care of all I asked him to care for, and desires to care for more.
Responsibility is an image-bearer’s capacity, but of course not a lot of men, let alone young men, are interested in wearing man-pants. In fact, we learn from father Adam how to sit back and then shift blame. Men all too often shirk rather than shoulder, and ironically we can really work hard at getting out of work.
Cal is not without sin, but he fears the Lord and seeks to walk in His ways. Cal has strength to make decisions and try stuff (especially if he can watch a YouTube video about it first), and to do it for the good of his people. He knows how to work, he hates being out of fellowship, and he will listen to counsel…at least after a while.
And Bazen, you are also ready, not because you have it all figured out, but because you are a delightful follower. You ask questions in order to make things better, not to pull things off track. You will try almost anything, seek to complete every assignment, and laugh and smile even when it’s not going great. You have a presence that promotes peace and de-escalates conflict. You are a beautifier, yes, with your paint on canvas, yes with decorating, but those things come out of your heart. Somehow you have not yet gotten tired of listening to this guy, and you will make his life and his vision better.
Both of you love your families, and as you love each other you will be blessed with fruit. Both of you love your community, and so there is love back to and support for and encouragement available to you. Both of you love to make things better, and working together, you will enjoy the labor of your hands.
Bottom line: if both of you can just get up on time, you will change the world.
It’s been said that the only thing worse than a son who leaves home is a son who doesn’t. Of course, Cal, we’ve been raising you to leave and become head of your own household and build your big vision. We’ve been trying to hand over strength to you in real time. More than raised to leave, we raised you to LEAD. Thank you, son, for being such a son that will leave such a huge hole. “A wise son makes a glad father” (Proverbs 10:1), and I am glad.
Bazen, you have been twenty-five percent of your family’s household, and now leave them with only half of the kids (as great as your brother is). This will also be a great big missing piece. Becoming one with another man, forming a new family, is really a great cost, and yet it will be a great profit in generational advance.
Jesus Christ died and rose again for your fellowship and for your fruit to matter. The Lord Jesus calls us into His mission, being blessed and being a blessing to others. He calls you to seek His blessings together.
Cal, “rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18), not just later, but now in your youth. Give her a safe place, she will make it a beautiful place. Give her all your love, she will give you all her life. Bazen, respect your husband as his crown and glory; “an excellent wife is the crown of her husband” (Proverbs 12:4). Both of you, fear the Lord and walk in His ways and you will need a fleet of trucks to carry the jealousable baskets of fruit He gives you.
It’s been almost two weeks(!) since the wedding, but here are some of the things I said.
Photo by Leila Bowers
This is different for me than any other wedding I’ve officiated. Here I function pastorally and as involved patriarchy. While it won’t always be the case, it is the first wedding I’ve officiated where I’ve known either the bride or the groom since birth. In fact many of you, and not just family, have held them. Due somewhat to my public position, Maggie was a sort of community kid. It’s the first time I’ve said the “I do” as a father at the beginning of the ceremony while then asking the couple to say “I do” as a pastor. It’s also even more personal because, even out of my kids, Maggie is the most like me, and our faces were virtually indistinguishable when we were both five.
She is much better than me at picking up on some things, which she gets from her mother. That includes how she picked up on Taylor’s appropriate yet apparent increase of attention towards her starting at a church youth car wash a couple years ago. And even though it wasn’t the right time to move toward marriage then, it was a great time for conversations…about tattoos, and the like. It was actually tough for a while for Maggie to be heard over Calvin talking to Taylor about guns and buffalo check.
I’ve known Taylor, and his family, for almost twenty years. And over the last couple years, his name has come up a lot among many of the men at church, because they loved how much and how obviously Taylor was growing in Christ. Even in the last ten months since he first spoke to me about his desire to pursue Maggie, I couldn’t be more impressed and thankful for how he’s handled himself at every stage. He won me first. He has submitted to me, but led her, and at a perfect pace.
I knew that Taylor could be a good fit for Maggie, and I told her so. But the moment that I wasn’t looking for, the moment with the most conflicting fatherly feelings, was when we realized that Taylor is the man to take care of Maggie better than I can. The two of you together will have it better. That is God’s idea.
Marriage is GOOD.
From the very beginning almost every creative act of God the first six days of the universe, God looked at His work and saw that it was “good.”
On the first day, He said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. The next day He gathered the waters together and caused dry land to appear and He saw that it was good. Three more times God created and He saw that His work was good.
Then, partway through day six, God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life. But before man could catch his breath, before man made any personal comments about his condition, the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” The emphasis wasn’t as if the man was simply missing out on something nice. The emphasis was that there was something identifiably wrong. Something was not good.
Not good? What else could man possibly want? Adam had a spectacular home, with beauty and variety and resources of every kind at his disposal. Not only that, he was assigned a global enterprise: to exercise dominion and subdue every square inch of the planet. He had a place to be and a purpose for being. Yet still something was not good: Adam was alone.
Because God made man in His own image, man was not made for isolation, but for intimacy. From the beginning, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him,” and then a third and final line follows in 1:27: “male and female He created them.”
God Himself, in the Trinity, is a relational being. The three Persons–Father, Son, and Holy Spirit–had already been enjoying an eternity of perfect, happy intimacy and fellowship with each other. When God said, “Let us make man in our image,” for whatever else that “image” includes, He meant to make us social, familial, personal beings like Himself.
The first relationship on earth, and the one logically necessary for future generations, the one that God uses to illustrate His own Son’s relationship with the Church-Bride, is the husband and wife relationship. A man and a woman, in the “one flesh” commitment, know and enjoy and model the most Trinitarian-like relationship in the universe.
That’s not to say that single people are second-class citizens (God’s own Son who took on flesh, Jesus, never married), but rather to emphasize that the love of a husband and wife is meant as a way to share, to taste, a bit of God-like gladness. Image-bearing is done in marriage, with one man and one woman, in a loyal and pleasurable relationship with each other. God made us this way to reflect Himself.
By the end of day six, with all creation finished and the first wedding ceremony complete, God saw everything that He had made, and behold it was very good. So today, as Taylor and Maggie enter this covenant, and become one flesh and bear God’s joyful image, He sees that it is very good.
Marriage Needs the Gospel.
There is, however, one setback in the story. In the very next chapter of Adam and Eve’s marriage, they disobeyed God. As a consequence of their disobedience, not only did the man and woman lose spiritual fellowship with their Maker, they also began to experience the effects of sin in their relationship. Sin separates. It has from the beginning. Sin is the enemy of marriage, destroying intimacy and communion and joy.
The biggest problem you will ever face in marriage is not money–too little or too much. The greatest obstacle to joy in marriage will not arise from personality or gender differences (God made those to be enjoyed). Personal weaknesses and little idiosyncrasies, in and of themselves, will not hinder love and submission.
This is good news. On one hand, if your issues were personality based, the best you could do would be awareness of the differences, but there would be no solution. On the other hand, if your problem is sin, there is a solution for that. Jesus is the solution.
Through His work on the cross we have salvation, not only from the penalty of sin, but also from the stronghold of sin each day. Confess sin as sin to Christ and to one another and you will clear the way to the deepest levels of intimacy. The Lord Jesus Christ is in the business of transforming sinners, and that includes sinners who are married to each other. Don’t try to cover your sin or call it by some other name. You won’t fool the other person, and you certainly won’t fool God. The health and happiness of your marriage depend on believing and living the gospel by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Your marriage will be a partial but true, pleasurable yet with great purpose, embodied reflection of the Trinity. May He bless your vows and your love with great fruitfulness and joy.
